Great article. Thanks. When I was child (1980's) my father took a job in Switzerland. Without any guidance we jumped on a plane from the US. The first year was really hard, but we focused on making everything funny. Bidets are funny, wax paper napkins ridiculous, no one knew what an Oreo cookie was, we would buy Levi's for friends because they couldn't get them in Europe yet. It made us laugh everyday. We didn't just laugh at them, we laughed at ourselves. Our community had a saying; "our roots are in a glass of water, we will grown wherever we are put down". Thirty years later, after raising my sons in Colorado, they moved to Europe. I just retired from corporate America and am immigrating all over again, this time to Italy because I married an Italian, and am still laughing my way through it all.
Leah, thanks for commenting! That's a terrific attitude to have and one I wish more people shared. How lovely that you'll once again be on the same continent as your sons. Auguri for your upcoming immigration!
I was fortunate to have stayed in Sicily 4 months during Covid19 lockdown. As a result, I want very much to relocate there and am in the process of buying property. Will it be easy? Heck no. It will undoubtedly be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. There are SO many things to consider and challenges to tackle, of which you mentioned the biggest: learning the language, getting residency, purchasing a car, taking the driving test, and then, of course, renovations, repairs, and upkeep of my property. Knowing this in advance and preparing as best as I can will hopefully keep me calm and committed throughout (ok, with exception!). But understanding why I want to be there, what I need personally to feel at home there, what I love about Sicily and what makes me a bit crazy are all absolutely essential in making this transition successfully. The last thing I want to be is anything like these folks you describe. And the one comment I’ve heard repeatedly during my time there - even my first time- was from locals who said “You’re not a tourist. You’re a visitor, yes, but someday you will stay and never leave”. And that feels like the highest compliment I could receive. ❤️🤍💚
Oh, also, when looking at the property I am trying to buy (an old railroad house outside of town), I apparently won over the seller when I said (in my feeble Italian) that I could learn Italian while living in the States but I could only learn Sicilian by living in Sicily. He got very excited when I said this because, as he said, Sicilian is not a dialect, it is a language. Understanding what’s important to the locals is essential in building successful relationships. One has to appreciate what they pride themselves on - if you don’t, you don’t belong in the country.
Jan, thanks so much for sharing your experience. I wish you the best in making your new home (and old railroad house sounds very cool!)—and luckily for you, you're ahead of the game by understanding some of the challenges. If you learn to speak Sicilian you'll have my respect and admiration! You put it very well when you say understanding and appreciating the people whose community you want to join is absolutely key. Enjoy the adventure!
Ah, that'd be great, thanks! And yes, I'm eager to get to the western and southern coasts of Sicily, so when I do I'll let you know. Looking forward to exploring your substack; looks interesting!
Enjoyed your article! Good for you in finally leaving them to sink or swim on their own. You can only help someone so much. Our story is similar. We arrived in Spain five years ago and were challenged to adapt to many of the same things: noise, honking, the language, the Covid restrictions, bureaucracy, banking, siesta hours, late dining, etc, but if you accept these things as part of the experience, you’re generally better off. We moved to different states for work, and each time you deal with new things. Certainly, it’s simpler without the language hurdle, but, bottom line, we recognized that you can be happy or miserable no matter where you live; it’s up to you!
Thanks, Eric, and kudos to you for your positive attitude! "It's up to you" is so true, but unfortunately many people would rather blame others/things than take responsibility for their own choices and actions. Of course, there are times when people really are trapped, but choosing to move to another country isn't one of them. I'm looking forward to getting to Spain one of these days, er, years!
Dear Cheryl, I love your blog, I love your writing and I LOVED this post. Sorry my comment comes so late. My Italian husband and I are in the process of buying a house to retire here fully in five years time. Meanwhile we have been splitting our year between Italy and the US six months at a time. I cannot imagine deciding to move to Italy (or anywhere) and not wanting to learn the language, to integrate, to love the place you moved to by choice and not by force. Shame on J&J.
Cristina, thank you so much! I’m happy to hear your thoughts, late or not, and very much appreciate that you read my posts. Congrats on the house purchase--very exciting! What part of Italy will you be in?
I found myself in a reverse scenario. Born in Bolzano ( Alto Adige ) my family migrated to USA. My father gathered up his children and told us that it is a sign of respect to learn the language of our hosting country.
I pledge allegiance was my first introduction into the English language. Many additional adjustments in lifestyle and philosophies followed that where challenging but by far learning to speak the language was the glue that allowed for the necessary dialogue that eventually made me feel that I was not a visitor but a valued member of my new home. Blessed to have two countries to call home.
Why would you want to live overseas if you’re not going to become part of the community? You don’t have to go native, but at least be friendly and respectful. Otherwise, you might as wise stay on the farm.
If you’re moving to a foreign land, YOU’RE the one who’s going to have to adapt. If you can’t understand that, stay home.
It's a bit of a mystery that some people don't seem to understand this, isn't it? Or maybe it's a lack of common sense, which seems rampant these days. Thanks for commenting, Jack!
An excellent article. The people you helped have unfortunately shown themselves to be both arrogant and ignorant. In all senses of the words. I have the feeling that, no matter where in the world they live, nothing will be good enough for them. The type of people who will complain about everything. And to have so little respect for others :'( If one moves to another country with a different language, it is only polite to learn said language, and to embrace the culture and differences. They obviously are not capable of that. You tried to help, but some people can't be helped. And the disrespect to vulnerable people (moving to Italy and then having no vaccination), but believing it was their right to continue with their daily lives while possibly infecting others, that I can't condone at all.
Thank you, Rallycat. You're right; I think they are classic malcontents. I am so very tired of ignorance and disrespect. I appreciate your commenting, and thanks for reading!
Totally loved this post, Cheryl, and just subscribed to your Substack! My husband and I were in France for a year in 1998-99 (I know decent French and improved a ton by the time I left although I've regressed again). We lived a half year during Covid in Singapore from Jan to June 2021. Wherever we go, we try to belong. I try to understand a place. I may not agree with the local attitudes but I end up seeing another point of view, at the very least, and I've loved that. Our family benefited in a big way by living in Paris for a whole year. Our kids were 8 and 4 and the experiences of that year are still a huge part of their persona. For us it was art and people immersion. There were social "racist" stings during that period but I took them too in my stride and we learned a lot and didn't let anything get to us. As for Covid restrictions, J&J need to arrive in Singapore to know what limitations can really feel like. No place in the world can hold a candle to Singapore's stance on, literally, everything. Thanks, Cheryl! I'll be sharing your post on FB. Whenever you have some time, do look at my substack. I write weekly about a book in translation; recently, I wrote about the Ferrante novels, more at https://bit.ly/3Q1BoW3. During our Singapore stay last year, I wrote weekly about one aspect of Singapore life.
Kalpana, thanks for your kind words and for sharing your experiences (and for sharing my post). Yes, seeing another point of view is exactly it (though I give no leeway in the case of no-vaxxers). Paris and Singapore, wow! What a particular slice of the world you've seen! I didn't know about your substack but will subscribe for sure! Books and life abroad, couldn't be better!
I don't think you're an enabler. You're a helper. There's a big difference. BTW, my wife and I talk about moving to Italy. I speak a little Italian, she's half-Italian by ancestry and beautiful. I make deadly eye contact with people until they talk to me. She can cook. Which one of us do you think the Italians would like the best? Show of hands? My wife? I agree.
Yeah, enabler in the sense that I helped them do something they probably shouldn't have done. But yes, with the intention of helping. As far as who the Italians would like better, I'll defer to your choice!
Thank you, David, I'm glad the piece resonated with you. I've gotten ok with the phone except for with a friend who speaks softly, quickly, and very colloquially—I'd stand a better chance of not losing every third word if the connection didn't always make it sound like she's underwater. Forza!
Wow, that is the worst American expat story I have heard! Talk about your ugly Americans. Oy!
Sounds like they had major commitment issues.
And this is what I fear with all the Americans coming here to Portugal. You think Italian is hard? Try Portuguese! No, you cannot live like an American in your new Euro country of choice. You have to adapt! And yes, learn the language.
I have met people who have really tried and failed it is so challenging. (As a linguist I put Portuguese between German and Russian in difficulty.) But learning it we are. It is even harder for my husband who is language challenged, but he is doing it. Slowly but surely.
For the first almost two years we lived in an apartment building that became unbearably noisy with barking dogs and screaming kids. So, we moved. We were very lucky to find a nice quiet place in central Porto. A feat, for sure but we did it. Because we love Portugal! The food, the culture, the country itself. We feel so lucky to be here and away from the mayhem in the not so united states.
You’re right about Portuguese, I’m sure, so kudos to you and your husband for persevering. And yes, if there are problems like noisy neighbors, you fix them (or at least try to, instead of just complaining). I hear Porto is beautiful! I’m glad you’ve found a good home there. Thanks for reading and for sharing your experience!
Buongiorno! We are in Lombardia close to lago di Como. My husband’s family all live in and around the Milano area (Saronno, Monza, and surrounding towns) so it was only natural we should settle here after so many years abroad. To be honest, I wasn't too keen on the north but family is so important to him (and me) that it was a no brainer. I am adjusting happily. Being so close to the Alps helps! ;-)
That's wonderful, it's beautiful there! My father's family came from all over the Valceresio, which was in the province of Como at the time, so I've explored that area pretty well. I need to get back there to do more genealogy research one of these days. Plus, I have friends in the town of Como. Monza is high on my to-visit list.
Right on…! Thank you SO much for this article, you have totally validated my experience.
After traveling to Italy many times since the 90s, both separately and together, my wife and I and out then 15 year old son spent a month in Sicily in 2018… and we fell in love. Then came the pandemic and scuttled our plan to go back.
So naturally started looking at real estate online! After lots of longing searches, we settled on a house in what seemed like a sweet town about 45 minutes from the southern coast. It had a top floor terrace with a second kitchen that looked out over the entire town and valley below - we imagined how amazing sunset cena up there would be! And then the travel restrictions were lifted, so we decided to go see it in person.
Well it’s a good thing we did because we did not like the town! It was full of English-speaking expats who crowded into town in summer and left during the “off season.” And they all relied on the one beleaguered bilingual gentleman at the realty office to do all their business for them!
It was like in that old show “Living Color” -
Hated it!
In the meantime we made friends in a town we liked better - closer to the water, where no one speaks any English - even though our Italian is so-so on a good day. Long story slightly shorter, we bought land and look forward to building a house and retiring there!
Thank you, Joe, I'm really glad you liked the piece and took the time to comment. I love your story about averting disaster—you definitely took the smart path. How exciting to build a home! I wish you all the best and a long, happy life there.
I love what you wrote, and as it happens, I’m working on a similar article and so are two other expat friends. This is a real problem--and not everybody is cut out for this life. You are SPOT-ON in all your observations. I’m so glad you found me so I could find you.
Thanks, Stacey, it's great to hear from you! I do enjoy your Substack and am glad you've found mine too. It seems this topic has hit a nerve (with, fortunately, most people responding positively). Good luck with your piece. Maybe we could consider cross-linking ours—let me know if that interests you.
Great article. Thanks. When I was child (1980's) my father took a job in Switzerland. Without any guidance we jumped on a plane from the US. The first year was really hard, but we focused on making everything funny. Bidets are funny, wax paper napkins ridiculous, no one knew what an Oreo cookie was, we would buy Levi's for friends because they couldn't get them in Europe yet. It made us laugh everyday. We didn't just laugh at them, we laughed at ourselves. Our community had a saying; "our roots are in a glass of water, we will grown wherever we are put down". Thirty years later, after raising my sons in Colorado, they moved to Europe. I just retired from corporate America and am immigrating all over again, this time to Italy because I married an Italian, and am still laughing my way through it all.
Leah, thanks for commenting! That's a terrific attitude to have and one I wish more people shared. How lovely that you'll once again be on the same continent as your sons. Auguri for your upcoming immigration!
I was fortunate to have stayed in Sicily 4 months during Covid19 lockdown. As a result, I want very much to relocate there and am in the process of buying property. Will it be easy? Heck no. It will undoubtedly be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. There are SO many things to consider and challenges to tackle, of which you mentioned the biggest: learning the language, getting residency, purchasing a car, taking the driving test, and then, of course, renovations, repairs, and upkeep of my property. Knowing this in advance and preparing as best as I can will hopefully keep me calm and committed throughout (ok, with exception!). But understanding why I want to be there, what I need personally to feel at home there, what I love about Sicily and what makes me a bit crazy are all absolutely essential in making this transition successfully. The last thing I want to be is anything like these folks you describe. And the one comment I’ve heard repeatedly during my time there - even my first time- was from locals who said “You’re not a tourist. You’re a visitor, yes, but someday you will stay and never leave”. And that feels like the highest compliment I could receive. ❤️🤍💚
Oh, also, when looking at the property I am trying to buy (an old railroad house outside of town), I apparently won over the seller when I said (in my feeble Italian) that I could learn Italian while living in the States but I could only learn Sicilian by living in Sicily. He got very excited when I said this because, as he said, Sicilian is not a dialect, it is a language. Understanding what’s important to the locals is essential in building successful relationships. One has to appreciate what they pride themselves on - if you don’t, you don’t belong in the country.
Thank you for this piece. 🔆🇮🇹
Jan, thanks so much for sharing your experience. I wish you the best in making your new home (and old railroad house sounds very cool!)—and luckily for you, you're ahead of the game by understanding some of the challenges. If you learn to speak Sicilian you'll have my respect and admiration! You put it very well when you say understanding and appreciating the people whose community you want to join is absolutely key. Enjoy the adventure!
Thanks, Cheryl. I may reference your piece in a future post, so I’ll stay in touch. And maybe someday you’ll make it down to Selinunte! ❤️🤍💚
Ah, that'd be great, thanks! And yes, I'm eager to get to the western and southern coasts of Sicily, so when I do I'll let you know. Looking forward to exploring your substack; looks interesting!
Enjoyed your article! Good for you in finally leaving them to sink or swim on their own. You can only help someone so much. Our story is similar. We arrived in Spain five years ago and were challenged to adapt to many of the same things: noise, honking, the language, the Covid restrictions, bureaucracy, banking, siesta hours, late dining, etc, but if you accept these things as part of the experience, you’re generally better off. We moved to different states for work, and each time you deal with new things. Certainly, it’s simpler without the language hurdle, but, bottom line, we recognized that you can be happy or miserable no matter where you live; it’s up to you!
Thanks, Eric, and kudos to you for your positive attitude! "It's up to you" is so true, but unfortunately many people would rather blame others/things than take responsibility for their own choices and actions. Of course, there are times when people really are trapped, but choosing to move to another country isn't one of them. I'm looking forward to getting to Spain one of these days, er, years!
Dear Cheryl, I love your blog, I love your writing and I LOVED this post. Sorry my comment comes so late. My Italian husband and I are in the process of buying a house to retire here fully in five years time. Meanwhile we have been splitting our year between Italy and the US six months at a time. I cannot imagine deciding to move to Italy (or anywhere) and not wanting to learn the language, to integrate, to love the place you moved to by choice and not by force. Shame on J&J.
Cristina, thank you so much! I’m happy to hear your thoughts, late or not, and very much appreciate that you read my posts. Congrats on the house purchase--very exciting! What part of Italy will you be in?
I found myself in a reverse scenario. Born in Bolzano ( Alto Adige ) my family migrated to USA. My father gathered up his children and told us that it is a sign of respect to learn the language of our hosting country.
I pledge allegiance was my first introduction into the English language. Many additional adjustments in lifestyle and philosophies followed that where challenging but by far learning to speak the language was the glue that allowed for the necessary dialogue that eventually made me feel that I was not a visitor but a valued member of my new home. Blessed to have two countries to call home.
What a beautiful story, Hilarie. And brava for having the courage and perseverance to do what it takes to make a new country your home.
Why would you want to live overseas if you’re not going to become part of the community? You don’t have to go native, but at least be friendly and respectful. Otherwise, you might as wise stay on the farm.
If you’re moving to a foreign land, YOU’RE the one who’s going to have to adapt. If you can’t understand that, stay home.
It's a bit of a mystery that some people don't seem to understand this, isn't it? Or maybe it's a lack of common sense, which seems rampant these days. Thanks for commenting, Jack!
An excellent article. The people you helped have unfortunately shown themselves to be both arrogant and ignorant. In all senses of the words. I have the feeling that, no matter where in the world they live, nothing will be good enough for them. The type of people who will complain about everything. And to have so little respect for others :'( If one moves to another country with a different language, it is only polite to learn said language, and to embrace the culture and differences. They obviously are not capable of that. You tried to help, but some people can't be helped. And the disrespect to vulnerable people (moving to Italy and then having no vaccination), but believing it was their right to continue with their daily lives while possibly infecting others, that I can't condone at all.
Thank you, Rallycat. You're right; I think they are classic malcontents. I am so very tired of ignorance and disrespect. I appreciate your commenting, and thanks for reading!
Totally loved this post, Cheryl, and just subscribed to your Substack! My husband and I were in France for a year in 1998-99 (I know decent French and improved a ton by the time I left although I've regressed again). We lived a half year during Covid in Singapore from Jan to June 2021. Wherever we go, we try to belong. I try to understand a place. I may not agree with the local attitudes but I end up seeing another point of view, at the very least, and I've loved that. Our family benefited in a big way by living in Paris for a whole year. Our kids were 8 and 4 and the experiences of that year are still a huge part of their persona. For us it was art and people immersion. There were social "racist" stings during that period but I took them too in my stride and we learned a lot and didn't let anything get to us. As for Covid restrictions, J&J need to arrive in Singapore to know what limitations can really feel like. No place in the world can hold a candle to Singapore's stance on, literally, everything. Thanks, Cheryl! I'll be sharing your post on FB. Whenever you have some time, do look at my substack. I write weekly about a book in translation; recently, I wrote about the Ferrante novels, more at https://bit.ly/3Q1BoW3. During our Singapore stay last year, I wrote weekly about one aspect of Singapore life.
Kalpana, thanks for your kind words and for sharing your experiences (and for sharing my post). Yes, seeing another point of view is exactly it (though I give no leeway in the case of no-vaxxers). Paris and Singapore, wow! What a particular slice of the world you've seen! I didn't know about your substack but will subscribe for sure! Books and life abroad, couldn't be better!
TOTALLY agree on the vaccination bit:-) Just shared your post on FB.
I don't think you're an enabler. You're a helper. There's a big difference. BTW, my wife and I talk about moving to Italy. I speak a little Italian, she's half-Italian by ancestry and beautiful. I make deadly eye contact with people until they talk to me. She can cook. Which one of us do you think the Italians would like the best? Show of hands? My wife? I agree.
Yeah, enabler in the sense that I helped them do something they probably shouldn't have done. But yes, with the intention of helping. As far as who the Italians would like better, I'll defer to your choice!
What you say is absolutely spot on! After 8 years living in Italy, I still get that sinking feeling when I have to converse in Italian on the phone 😅
Thank you, David, I'm glad the piece resonated with you. I've gotten ok with the phone except for with a friend who speaks softly, quickly, and very colloquially—I'd stand a better chance of not losing every third word if the connection didn't always make it sound like she's underwater. Forza!
This article is everything! I hope I'm doing the opposite of everything on your list.
Oh, I hope so too! And I bet you are.
Wow, that is the worst American expat story I have heard! Talk about your ugly Americans. Oy!
Sounds like they had major commitment issues.
And this is what I fear with all the Americans coming here to Portugal. You think Italian is hard? Try Portuguese! No, you cannot live like an American in your new Euro country of choice. You have to adapt! And yes, learn the language.
I have met people who have really tried and failed it is so challenging. (As a linguist I put Portuguese between German and Russian in difficulty.) But learning it we are. It is even harder for my husband who is language challenged, but he is doing it. Slowly but surely.
For the first almost two years we lived in an apartment building that became unbearably noisy with barking dogs and screaming kids. So, we moved. We were very lucky to find a nice quiet place in central Porto. A feat, for sure but we did it. Because we love Portugal! The food, the culture, the country itself. We feel so lucky to be here and away from the mayhem in the not so united states.
Viva Europa!
You’re right about Portuguese, I’m sure, so kudos to you and your husband for persevering. And yes, if there are problems like noisy neighbors, you fix them (or at least try to, instead of just complaining). I hear Porto is beautiful! I’m glad you’ve found a good home there. Thanks for reading and for sharing your experience!
Buongiorno! We are in Lombardia close to lago di Como. My husband’s family all live in and around the Milano area (Saronno, Monza, and surrounding towns) so it was only natural we should settle here after so many years abroad. To be honest, I wasn't too keen on the north but family is so important to him (and me) that it was a no brainer. I am adjusting happily. Being so close to the Alps helps! ;-)
That's wonderful, it's beautiful there! My father's family came from all over the Valceresio, which was in the province of Como at the time, so I've explored that area pretty well. I need to get back there to do more genealogy research one of these days. Plus, I have friends in the town of Como. Monza is high on my to-visit list.
Right on…! Thank you SO much for this article, you have totally validated my experience.
After traveling to Italy many times since the 90s, both separately and together, my wife and I and out then 15 year old son spent a month in Sicily in 2018… and we fell in love. Then came the pandemic and scuttled our plan to go back.
So naturally started looking at real estate online! After lots of longing searches, we settled on a house in what seemed like a sweet town about 45 minutes from the southern coast. It had a top floor terrace with a second kitchen that looked out over the entire town and valley below - we imagined how amazing sunset cena up there would be! And then the travel restrictions were lifted, so we decided to go see it in person.
Well it’s a good thing we did because we did not like the town! It was full of English-speaking expats who crowded into town in summer and left during the “off season.” And they all relied on the one beleaguered bilingual gentleman at the realty office to do all their business for them!
It was like in that old show “Living Color” -
Hated it!
In the meantime we made friends in a town we liked better - closer to the water, where no one speaks any English - even though our Italian is so-so on a good day. Long story slightly shorter, we bought land and look forward to building a house and retiring there!
Thank you, Joe, I'm really glad you liked the piece and took the time to comment. I love your story about averting disaster—you definitely took the smart path. How exciting to build a home! I wish you all the best and a long, happy life there.
Excellent piece, Cheryl. Thank you. I will bookmark it and share it often.
Oh, that’s wonderful! Thank you very much, Antonella.
I love what you wrote, and as it happens, I’m working on a similar article and so are two other expat friends. This is a real problem--and not everybody is cut out for this life. You are SPOT-ON in all your observations. I’m so glad you found me so I could find you.
Thanks, Stacey, it's great to hear from you! I do enjoy your Substack and am glad you've found mine too. It seems this topic has hit a nerve (with, fortunately, most people responding positively). Good luck with your piece. Maybe we could consider cross-linking ours—let me know if that interests you.